Without doubt, the beginning of a blissful marriage is obedience to God from the start. Unfortunately, many Christians disobey God in the choice of a life partner and so start their marriage on a faulty foundation. Those who have disobeyed God by refusing to heed the scriptural injunction not to be unequally yoked together with unbelievers (2 Corinthians 6:14) have often had sorry tales to tell. As the Bible states, “Can two walk together, unless they are agreed?” (Amos 3:3)

The truth is, you cannot marry someone who does not share the same values and beliefs with you and expect him to play by your rules—the rules of the Bible. But if you have already made that mistake, do not give up; there is still hope. You can ask God for mercy and receive the grace to relate appropriately with your spouse and provide the needed leadership in the home. Much more, you can ask God to touch his or her heart so that he or she will come to the same side with you. 

Remember, leadership in marriage comprises two people – the man and the woman. On a broader scale, however, it comprises the whole family because even the children have a role to play in this leadership setting. Part of their role will include helping their parents to function effectively by submitting to their authority. In some African settings, older children are delegated some responsibilities over their younger ones. In that regard, the leadership in the home is broad based; it involves everybody.

In Ephesians 4:29 , the Bible states, “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen” (NIV). Words that sting and hurt ought not to be part of our conversations with our spouses or children at any point in time. This is because words can either build or destroy. And as leaders, part of our primary responsibility is to build, not to pull down.

Any wonder then the apostle Paul enjoins, “…speaking to one another in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing and making melody in your heart to the Lord, giving thanks always for all things to God the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, submitting to one another in the fear of God.” (Ephesians 5:19-21)

The irony is that children who grow up in environments or homes where spouses speak harshly to each other pick up that habit without any effort. They become haughty and ultimately end up as burdens to their own spouses when they eventually marry. That is why as parents, we should strive to provide the highest possible standard in speech to our children.

Recently I heard the story of a man who wanted to teach his wife a lesson by choking her. What was her offence? Speaking harsh and hurtful words to him as a habit. The man, in his immaturity, could not think of a better way to handle his wife’s ‘unwholesome’ words. The question is: What if he had killed her in the process? We need to be able to handle situations in the family wisely in order to provide effective leadership at that level.    

The Bible states, “A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger” (Proverbs 15:1). In other words, even where there is disagreement, the way one handles it will determine whether it escalates or is resolved amicably. That makes meaningful discussions an integral part of effective leadership in marriage. Where matters are hardly discussed before decisions are arbitrarily made, one party is going to feel always shortchanged even when that is not the case. It is therefore important that, as leaders, we create an enabling environment in the home for interaction.

You will discover that in many homes, although the children feel more comfortable with their mothers because they can easily twist her arm and get away with some decisions, the mother often refers them to the father, particularly where the decisions are major. The question is: What happens when the father and the mother are not working together or in sync? Decisions about the children that should be taken together are left in the hands of one person or nobody. No matter how good the children are, chances are that they will exploit this loophole to maximum advantage irrespective of the consequences.

Part of our leadership responsibility is to rebuke or correct as the need arises. As the Bible states, “For whom the Lord loves He corrects, just as a father the son in whom he delights” (Proverbs 3:12). The challenge of our time is that many parents seem to have lost the moral authority to do this as they are not any better than the children they ought to rebuke or correct. Sometimes, the problem is that the children are simply overindulged. But whatever it is, let us never forget that we are raising children for the next generation and whatever we impart to them is not just for themselves but also for future generations.

We model leadership for our children with every decision or action we take. So as important as what we say them is, what we do to them and before them matters much more.

Some of us are products of a beautiful leadership environment in the home. The demand is for us to model same for those around us, particularly those God has committed to us. My prayer is that we will not be found wanton in our leadership roles to our spouses and children in Jesus’ name.